Two years ago, I was in a Keke somewhere in Port Harcourt, beginning the first lap of what was to be a four hour journey. Two women sat next to me, loudly conversing about everyone they knew under the sun. I tuned them out, that is until their voices dropped to whispers. That’s how you know the gist is getting good, right? So I paid attention. Turns out they were talking of a mutual friend of theirs who (insert shocked gasp) had gotten a vibrator. Okay not just a vibrator, multiple vibrators and said friend had the audacity to not hide the fact that she not only had vibrators but she used them too, often. The keke women were positively scandalized. They thought it was disgusting, shameful and were so ashamed that they whispered the conversation so as not to offend the driver’s male ears and my decent female ones. This piece is not about sanctimonious keke women, it is about us, females. Why is seeking pleasure for ourselves such a shameful thing?
Sex is great, essential for procreation, great to keep your significant other satisfied and a ton of other useful reasons but when was the last time you simply had sex because it is fun? Do you know your body? Do you know the spots that drive you to climax; do you know how you would want oral sex or the pace of penetrative that drives you to the pinnacle of sexual pleasure? Growing up, we are told that the vagina is a sacred gift to be given to your husband on the wedding night. Anything less is promiscuous and shameful, never sleep around and definitely ever touch yourself. So we grow up, ashamed of our vaginas, ashamed that we get urges of the sexual nature, worried our worth somehow diminishes if we act on them so we ignore it. Well here is the kicker, that magical lover who is going to make your sexual experience incredible is looking back at you when you stare in the mirror.
Touch yourself. Embrace your sexuality and demand your right orgasms. Set time aside and explore your body, learning what type of touch gives you the most pleasure. Get rid of the shame, there is nothing, absolutely nothing shameful about trying to discover sexual pleasure for yourself. Ignore the naysayers and the holier than thous, most of their judgmental comments come from the fact that they too are struggling with find sexual pleasure. Take time to yourself if you must or talk about it with your closest friends. You might be shocked at how many other women are going through this sexual awakening with you.
Relax into it. Sexual liberation does not come overnight. Get out of your head and get out of your own way. Don’t start off a masturbation session with the thought that getting an orgasm is the only reason to touch yourself. The mental pressure on yourself to have an orgasm is almost a guarantee that you’re not going to get one. Let the guilt and shame fall away and pay attention to only your pleasure. Watch yourself and slowly acclimatize to the feel of your fingers on your body. As you get more comfortable you can move on to sex toys like vibrators, dildos, etc to aid your pleasure. Take your time, masturbation does not have to be a quickie. Enjoy the experience.
Touch your clitoris. Only about 18% of women climax through penetration alone, so if you’ve not had orgasms from your partner thrusting away chances are you are in the 82% who can, mostly through clitoral stimulation. How are you going to orgasm when you cannot look at your vagina long enough to know where your clitoris is? The clitoris is right under the point where the inner labia meet and form a hood, right at the top of the entrance of the vulva. That small button is where the magic happens, so sit back, stroke it, flick it with lubricated fingers and find out exactly what kind of touch works for you.
It really is that simple, relax and touch yourself. No, it will not turn you into a crazed sex maniac (and if it does, that is not the tragedy everyone makes it out to be). No, more orgasms does not impede your chances at fertility or child bearing, that is a myth made up to scare you into piousness. No, it’s not bad for your health. In fact, specialists agree that is great for you.
Hear that? That’s the sound of your excuses dying slowly and painfully. Do I have to tell you yet again to touch yourself?