The Wow-und Up 2019: Worst Dressed Celebrities
While some celebrities were flying high and reaching for the myth of couture perfection others fell below the basic territory into downright disasters. It wouldn’t be a complete wow-und up if we do not commemorate these moments in all their flaming garishness and heave a sigh of relief that 2020 has better prospects. We hope.
Rita Ora as the Toilet Paper Ghost of Christmas God Please Never Again:
So Rita Ora wore this Yanina Couture off shoulder mini dress with white and black …they say feather, we say toilet paper… embellishments and all we can do is stare and scratch our heads in confusion because why? Why would Miss Ora leave the house in a glorified mini cardboard photo booth looking like the world’s palest tan person? Sure there has to be a reason that we haven’t quite figured out?
Cardi B as Ursula:
What better way to celebrate a Grammy win than by looking like Ursula’s skinnier sister emerging from a convoluted clam shell eh Cardi? Throw in a disconcerting amount of pearls and an upside down oversized thimble made of pearls again, some oddly shaped gloves and over the top poses and we all ended up wishing we were under the sea. Excuse us while we go to therapy.
The Flamingos are coming:
Forget the British, we seem to be warding off an attack of pink shapeless feathery dresses as worn by Heidi Klum (in a dress designed by Christian Cowan) and Kendall Jenner (by Ingie Paris). Granted these two were more off their fashion game than on but looking like participants of the same sad pillow fight was undoubtedly a low point of the year.
Marion Cotillard and the Deconstructed Crocodile of Terror:
Which sounds like some psychological thriller Marion could star in but unfortunately the terror was sorely ours and the deconstructed crocodile was the mess of green wool sewn into an oversize sweater that Marion inexplicably decided to wear over a Lacoste Turtle neck dress that was printed with the famous logo. The only explanation we choose to accept is that Marion was ‘incepted’ to think this was a good idea from a dream within a dream within a dream within a dream…
Plywood is in:
Thanks to Balmain we got, not one but two dresses worn by both YouTube Stars Liza Koshy and Elena Perminova that had us worried, would we now all have to wear mini dresses with large rectangles stuck to them? How do we possibly navigate life as human drawing boards? Is this a thing now? Please please make it go away with 2019. We are all for creative silhouettes but make like a chalkboard is not a fashion prompt we envision ourselves following.
Kim K serving us leather Lewks:
Kim K wore a denim on denim look from Burberry that is either the prayer to your Captain Jack Sparrow wet dreams or is a full on crime of mass denim destruction. The fact, the audacious fact that she paired this monstrosity with butt grabbing leather boots has us clasping our hands in prayer to the fashion gods because someone has to forgive this devious crime and that someone is not us.
Moet Abebe as a Demon in Diamond:
This was the look Moet chose for the Living in Bondage Premier themed “Demons in Diamonds” and there was nothing diamondy about it and the only demon we sensed lurking was the makeup artist who went to town on her face. If the dress is ill-fitting a shiny leather corset won’t help and if the foundation feels heavy enough to plaster walls with, it probably looks like you fell face first into a bucket of foundation. Surely, we can do better?
Shailene Woodley raids Grandma’s Closet during Tornado:
At least that’s what we think because her retro look by Dior was a hot mess of stripes and polka dots with sheer panel and what looked suspiciously like a body suit underneath it all. Do not get us started on the red and black sleeved, lace edged, nightmare on elm street inspired looking dress she pulled out afterwards. Someone buy thus girl a mirror while staging an intervention.
Gwyneth’s Vintage Valentino:
This 1963 dress seems to have had an unfortunate encounter with a paper shredder with bits of fabric dangling off the sleeves in a bewildering manner that turned an elegant dress into an organza ogre. Put this piece back in the closet and maybe leave in there for a century so were not alive to see it ever again.
Bella Hadid is a Sexy Mummy:
Bella wore crop top and skirt combo that looks a lot like the discarded bandages Imhotep leaves behind after he rises from the dead to the VMAs. For some reason this two piece is held together by weird straps into a dress with suspenders. A DRESS WITH SUSPENDERS. Let that sink in. see you in 2020.